What do I say? – Romans 8:26-27

I wrote this in the fall of 2015, in the depths of my depression (see a previous post, "The Devil is in the Dumbassery"). I knew something was wrong, but not what it was. This was me trying to write it out.

Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. (Romans 8:26-27 NIV)

Words fail me.
My guts churn, hot tears burn my eyes.
My heart slogs in my chest.
Fists, clenched, pound my knees.
Hurt, unexplainable; pain, insufferable;
Wounded where no one can see.
Sleep teases me, no comfort even in rest.

“Take it to the Lord in prayer”? 
If I could laugh, I would -
I can’t even explain it to myself!

My thoughts bounce like flotsam caught in the surf -
Abandoned…alone…fearful -
Tossed to-and-fro, making no headway.
At least the surf roars and says its peace,
Foaming out its frustration and anger,
Pounding the shore,
Retreating to attack again.
But Me?  A crest of hope carries me high
Only to fall out from under me,
Crushing me into the depths.
A whirlpool of darkness sucks me into its depths.

Who can understand this?
I can barely describe it to myself
How can I possibly explain it to others?
How can I cry out when I can’t speak!

Who will rescue me?

Lord, in Your mercy…
   hear my prayer –
-Even though I don’t know what it is.
   hear my prayer –
-Even when I can’t plead for help.
   hear my prayer –
-Even when I don’t know how to pray.
Lord, in Your mercy…
   hear my prayer…
…of silence.

The Scriptures promise this,  I and here I trust,
That the Spirit cries out for me;
The paraclete intercedes on my behalf:
   Saying what I can’t say;
   Praying what I can’t pray;
   Giving words to my groans.
Perfect prayers spoken for an imperfect person;
Prayed in the name of the One who understands our need.

The Lord hears my prayer.
He knows my need.

What do I say?
“Amen.”

- Rev. Jonathan F. Meyer
Crosby, Texas