Today is Ash
Wednesday. In many churches, the pastor will have ground up the dried palm
leaves from the previous Palm Sunday, milling them into a fine powder. Then,
with his thumb dipped into the grey schmutz, he will place a ashen cross
onto the forehead of his parishioner with the solemn intonation, “Remember you
are dust, and to dust you shall return.” It’s an incredibly somber reminder of
the curse placed upon Adam and Eve after their fateful fall. “By the sweat of
your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you
were taken; for you are dust and to dust you shall return,” (Genesis 3:19).
It’s a bit of a linguistic pun for Adam’s name: Adam, the man, will return to adamah,
the dirt and dust, from which God created him. That brief sentence is a prelude to the
sentence spoken at the graveside: “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.”
Every year, I wrestle with Ash Wednesday. I wrestle with it because I am placing a physical, tangible, visible reminder of mortality upon the heads of the people whom I serve and the people I love. The irony is they don’t see it until they get home and look into the mirror. Then, and only then, do they see it. Since we have an evening service, it is highly unlikely that anyone else will see it, either, besides a spouse, child, or parent. I see it all service long. I see it, because I placed the mark of mortality on them and I see it all service long.
I usually start out ok on Ash Wednesday, not exactly on “autopilot,” but simply performing the rite – thumb into the ash, wipe on the forehead, speak ten words, and do it again. But somewhere around person number fifteen or twenty, the rite stops being a rite and it becomes a sacred moment. I never know exactly when this happens, or the person who will spark the shift, but it often begins with the eyes. They look into my eyes, and I look into theirs and in that moment, it stops being a rite for the congregation and it becomes words spoken to that person: you will die in your flesh one day, and your body will return to the dust from which it was originally made.
It’s funny how fast thoughts fly through the mind. The speed of sound is approximately 1200 feet per second. I wish there were a way to measure these thoughts. As I look into the persons eyes and smear the ash across the forehead, the realization hits me that it is conceivable I could be burying that person in the near future, repeating the words as I dump a couple handsfull of sand on to the casket, “Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust.”
And in those moments, I hate Ash Wednesday. It isn’t just a reminder to the individual receiving ashes of their mortality, it is a reminder that I am a serving among a dead congregation.
Years ago, I was in such a state of depression that I literally could not do the rite of ashes. As I tried to prepare the ashes in the afternoon for the evening service, I sobbed in the empty sanctuary. I soon realized that it would be impossible for me to complete the rite in the service. The weight of what I was feeling was just too great. To see death’s brand that I was placing on people, and having to repeat it dozens of times, it was too much. I began the service with what I thought was a reasonable explanation – we are Easter people, not people of death, so no ashes tonight – but, like an old cash register, it was “no sale." No one was buying what I was selling. A couple of people were really mad at me. For them, I had robbed them of this pious act and reminder. I didn’t know how to explain what I was feeling, where I was, what I would have to do one day to their kids, or their spouse, or their mother or grandfather, and in that place and time, it was just too much. To them, I offer a belated but heartfelt apology. "I just couldn't do it."
In the liturgy for leading the casket from the hearse to the graveside, pastors will sometimes speak this sentence: “In the midst of life we are in death…” It comes from an ancient 14th-century hymn which, in Latin, sounds much more impressive: Media vita in morte sumus. I think those words on Ash Wednesday as I am almost to the point of being overwhelmed by what I am doing, saying, and seeing. If parishioners look closely, they might see my eyes starting to well up, perhaps even a tear sliding down my cheeks.
I have often found it funny that we do this ash-marking with the sign of the cross. In Holy Baptism, I place the sign of the cross on the forehead and heart of the candidate, “in token that you have been redeemed by Christ the crucified.” Later, the passage from Romans 6 will also be read, connecting our baptism to both the death and resurrection of Jesus. In Baptism, we believe we both die and rise with Christ. Just as water washes clean dirty skin, Baptismal water – that is, water with the words of Jesus, “I baptize you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit – washes away sins.
Yet, here we are, putting dirty ashes on that which has been washed clean in Baptism.
I’ve contemplated writing my own Ash Wednesday liturgy. Someday, some year, I’m going to stand at the back door as people enter and place the ashes on them immediately. I might even have a mirror there, so people can see for themselves what has been done to them. It would be a reminder for them that “the wages of sin is death.” From dust you are… Media vita in morte sumus. Then, in the service liturgy, instead of people coming forward to receive ashes (they will have been previously ashed, remember?) they will come forward where I will be standing the font, the vessel filled with water. As they stand in front of me, branded with the cross of death, I’ll take a clean cloth, dampen it in the font’s water, and wipe the ash from their forehead while proclaiming the words of absolution to them along with the proclamation of Jesus, “I am the resurrection and the life,” or perhaps, “Once you were dead in your trespasses and sins, but now you are alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Then, I’ll give them the ash-stained cloth as a tangible, visible reminder for themselves of what absolution means.
I’ll do that some day. Tonight... tonight, I’ll place the mark of ashes on the heads of those who gather. I’ll swallow hard while saying those horrible words, “Remember you are dust,” yearning for the moment 46 days mornings later when I will practically shout, “Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!” Then, and only then, I’ll add the wonderful “Alleluia” of Easter.
I lift up my eyes to the
hills. From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be
moved; he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is
your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you
from all evil; he will keep your life.
The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in
from
this time forth and forevermore.
So, tonight,
it’s ashes. And tears. And hope. And faith in the promise that, yes, we will
return to ashes, but we will be raised in glory when He returns.